Happy and sad

Listen to this song as you read the entry .




Recently we got kinda closer. I feel that we did, might be one sided. And sometimes she can be so sweet, yet so irritating at the same time. Forcing me to attend classes with her, croaking by the phone when she asked for a lullaby. I give in to her usually. She can be so demanding at times. Yet she sees a need to be demanding and she sees the need in me, I guess.

I've transformed into an insulator. An insulator to her temper. The shock AND heat at random moments. One moment we can be hugging and kissing, the next, poof. It might be work, family, or just because she wants her unavailable milk tea. And still, I gave in to almost all her reasonable demands. And note, I've given her a personal alteration to the "reasonable" scale.

I hate it so much that I have to learn to understand that she might not be able to spare time for me, all the time. She has other commitments as well. Thus, even cooking a meal for her might be difficult because most of the time she can't afford to drop by my place. She stayed over for a few nights when we were together. We spent two nights at a chalet once. One night at the beach.

She sometimes said that we can't be together because her parents will never accept me. Yet at times she said that she will never fall for me. There were moments she even insisted that nobody will ever fucking carry a torch for me.

Yes, the feeling is one sided. How can this one-sided thing make somebody feel good?

I do.

Somehow I figured that it is not what she is, but who she is. Not what is it about, but who is it about. It is just her, that I am feeling happy.

And this is why I feel down.

I've never been the best boyfriend prototype. Never. I don't have the looks, the money and defiantly lack the character and manners. All I can offer is a sub-standard me. Probably witty lines on a good day.

See, she always feels that she is letting me down. Making me feel rejected. Sometimes she blames herself for not being more nonsensical (yes, to her being moderately nonsensical is a plus point). But she hasn't realized that I am happy with her being who she is. Probably the "rejected" issue has to be worked on, but not just her, but us.

On the other hand, I've failed to give her what she wants. Not what she wants from me, but what she wants, from the one. I guess everybody wants his/her significant one, but to her, I am not that absolute one.

Now I am wondering how does she feels with me around. And if at the end of the day, I feel sour that we are not together, damn, I better wake up my fucking ideas because this sweet girl isn't enjoying what I have been enjoying throughout this period.

And that is to be able to spend time with the one who means the most to her.